Happiness in the only way I know how.

Life is short and the only thing I am afraid of is time. I’m afraid of not having enough time to understand people, how they really are, or to be understood myself. I’m afraid of the quick judgments and mistakes I usually make. 

The only thing that fascinates me about life is that there are so many places I have not yet been to and so many people still to meet. I usually don't like to think or worry what my future holds for me. I mean, let's face it, you can't predict what's going to happen. Maybe the best thing to do is just stop trying to figure out what is going to happen or where you are going land up and just enjoy where you are. – Aarti Khurana

I've recently come to realize that many of my insecurities on life, love and people, have stemmed from my anxiety on what the future holds for me. I've always looked for ways to 'get there', with no clear picture of where this destination is.

I also never quite understood the concept of unpredictability. I had grown up believing that hard work pays off, and that opportunities, and ultimately success, doesn't just one night come knocking on our door bearing a parcel wrapped in a Tiffany bow screaming 'here is that dream job you wanted!'. With this in mind, I looked even harder for the stem of my happiness, and applied this to all aspects of my life, not only to my career.

I also often think one thing all people in this world have in common is the search to find that moment of clarity in the life we inhabit. What is true happiness and where does it emerge from? Whether it comes as a surprise from a personal encounter you never thought to ever come across, or after years of hard work furthering your career, the answer to questions like the purpose of the human condition, humanity as a whole, and our place and 'calling' in this funny and complex world we live in are constantly seeked by us and the people around us.

What is my purpose? What should I devote my time and energy toward? Helping others, and in turn helping myself, but through what means?

By caring for our family, friends and the people who have a special place in our hearts.

But how about those who are also in need our help? Strangers, maybe. But nonetheless our fellow men. How about finding happiness by working as a social worker, at a non profit organisation, volunteering at a third world country, become a teacher and educate the next generation of thinkers? Or through a larger, more apparent scale, to become an entertainer, a motivational speaker, to lead a country, to be Tony Abbott?

The subject of 'giving back' to this world and its people also bring up questions of the human nature and the underlying intentions of the people who do these acts of kindness.

Are these acts seen as selfless and pure graciousness, or are they perceived as selfishness because these fellow humans, much like you and I, feel joy in giving to others and making a difference; becoming the change they always believed the world needed?

(to reference Ghandi)

My only opinion and mine alone, is if joy is genuinely felt by others as well as the joy you feel within yourself, where is the wrong in that?

Isn't that the meaning of the saying, love makes the world go round?

Let's face it. Being a Pisces, and a dreamer, I've always seen things, and life, through some very rose tinted glasses.

However I also know I hold the ability to see all sides of the equation, and to understand that the world we are in is a harsh one, and the ability to think as positively, optimistic and what some are quick to call naive as the way I think now, is actually a luxury. For not all people have had the fortune to gain the education I have gained, and to be raised with values I've been raised by the family I am indispensably lucky to have. Nor have some had the opportunity to be surrounded by other well-educated people who have been generous enough to impart their wisdom and experience.

And I often wonder how I could receive so much love, when others have it so, so much harder.

Some have much larger things to worry about like surviving on one US dollar a day than to occupy a self-indulging thought like 'where do I fit in this world'.

I am both a dreamer and a realist, (although mostly a dreamer) to know that life can deal some crappy pair of hands to some very unlucky individuals, and it's not as easy to see the glass as half full when you're in such situations.

Hence with the mind, skills and health I currently have, it dawned that one way to find my own worth in the life I'm living, is to give back to others so they too can feel the gratitude I feel in my heart. If happiness has no tangible form, and is interpreted differently by each individual, then this is my interpretation. 

A few months ago I was in a relationship with a man who was the catalyst for my own moment of revelation. He and I shared many but not necessarily all of the same values and takes on the world, and life, but for reasons one way or another, whether it be timing, in each of our journeys to find oneself and our search for the answer to our own source of happiness, the relationship came to an end.

And as life always teaches us, timing plays a very large part in the way the universe functions, and even though our paths may have diverged our hearts and minds may have been in very different places, and the road we were on may have forked because we were supposed to undertake very different journeys.

However the one thing our time together has revealed to me, is that of generosity. And that one of the most generous things a fellow human being could ever have done to enrich another's existence, is to teach them something else new about themselves, as well as their relationship to the world they never thought to understand.

So I write the following part of this piece as an ode and a letter of gratitude to him, as well as to my friends and family who have guided me through the confusion and negative fogginess in order to gain the perspective I now own.

For the purpose of anonymity, he shall be called Credit Average.

Credit Average, 

Our relationship really made me question about my priorities and my place in the world we live in, and how this world works. It's made me realize how mortal we all are and question the things we place value on our brief time here.

Again, as a dreamer, i'm quick to say love. But love for what?

I have long convinced myself the true meaning of giving love to another person means never expecting anything in return.

I strived to impart this wisdom on to others, and how all successful relationships are based on the ability to compliment and enrich the other person to make them and yourself grow, instead of requiring them to fulfill you.

But we know humans are not perfect, and that many go into a relationship expecting to get something out of it; for the other person to make themselves feel good. When in fact, we should be going into it expecting to give, not to take. And I never really understood that until now.

Our time together has finally defined what it means to give selflessly in a relationship, and it's about giving others a part of you and sharing your thoughts and views on the world; and asking nothing more than for them to share their thoughts and views with you. To enrich someone else’s life by exposing them to thoughts other than their own, challenging their beliefs and in turn growing them intellectually and emotionally, isn’t that what human beings are designed for? To learn each other’s values, to share, to play, to learn, to live in harmony. To me, that is the biggest gift one could ever give to someone else.

I will never forget what you shared with me on our first date, on how you think people are always so concerned about building a persona on a first date to please the other person because that’s what they think they would like to hear.

I only wish people are less scared to stay true to what they believe in, because I still believe to be challenged by an opinion other than your own is the key to staying enriched and staying alive.

And why are people so proud and secretive to let anyone be a part of their thoughts, their opinions, their lives? Many open their hearts and opinions only to someone who they believe needs to 'earn' it.

In my opinion THAT is true selfishness. Sharing is caring.

For those who say heartbreak is the cause, I'm quick to say you're not the first one to be fighting this battle.

The world is so rich and multifaceted. Aren’t we all here to be surprised by something or someone else besides ourselves? And not stop learning?

There is never an end to things we don’t know about the world, its people, and how we all function together.

I now know in all my relationships, whether it be romantic or not, that what I want is to be able to push the people in my life forward by imparting my opinions and challenging them.

I was sad that I didn't get to be that person for you, to push you and to better yourself the way you wish to be pushed, but I now only wish I have left an impression or done something to have grown you as a person in some small way, one way or another.

And know the only thing I now feel toward you and will continue to feel is gratitude.

Gratitude for all the outlooks and values you've shared with me about life and allowing me to slowly unravel it's intricacies. Gratitude towards having met you and your family, and for you to have let me in as part of your life and for you to have shared the life experiences you have gone through, whether it be only a small snippet of it.

I can't thank you enough for sharing a part of your world with me.

What we had also made me think deeper on the human condition and the world we live in. And how the society we are a part of have allowed us to put importance on things that should have very little emphasis in our life, such as reality TV, gossip columns, texting, material products, as well as the way marketing has changed so dramatically and what it is at the end of the day we work for. What ultimately defines and fulfills a persons needs?

Are we all needing all the wrong things because we have been raised in a material world like today?

I realize now more than ever, that my happiness should be put on more important things like the value of a truly stimulating conversation on that amazing book, or article, or documentary, or learning a new language, or camping in true wilderness in the company of someone else 50 years your senior and to learn the world through their eyes.

It's made me realize the importance and value of someone's time and that the most amazing thing anyone can give you is their time and opinion, and ultimately, their wisdom.

You’ve made me understand that material gifts are not what brings a person's fulfillment and that it shouldn't be something to be taken advantage of and not something to be demanded, its a privilege to be received and something to be done as an act of appreciation and respect of one another, instead of a necessity nor a foundation to build a successful relationship around.

It makes me sad that I made you believe I didn't understand this, and it took me a while to, but I can't thank you enough for making me realize that.

At the end of the day, I’m thankful to have met the person you are, and how our encounter has led me to go on the path I am on today. I only hope I've inspired you at least half, a quarter, a pinch of as much as you've inspired me.

I hope there is some way we can still involve each other in the next chapter of our lives. Because let's face it, much like you, I am also a friend whore, and it's not going to be easy getting rid of me.